As I am awake on my own at 6:00 this morning for the first time in years, I realize another lie I have been telling myself: Night Sweats are due to menopause. Wow. I had myself good and fooled with that one. Funny how I never noticed them .
The nightmares are weird. I never remember dreams before because I have been so drunk and would generally blackout. Waking up to a relatively clear head and having to decipher what was possible and impossible to have occurred in my dreams was a relatively new experience for me. I can basically be assured that the one about the babies and parents choosing marriage partners for their kids in the movie theaters goes into the impossible category.
I am struggling today because as much as I need and want my space right now, I am still a mom. My small boys are awake, arguing, which in turn sets my husband off. The stress is overwhelming. It’s times like this I wish I were an out door runner (Who am I fooling? I don’t run. period.) But I could escape the anxiety that is ever present in my home. Before, I would be calm because I new in my head I was saying to myself, “See. This is why you drink. Just get through today and you can have your reward after work.”
But today, that is not an option. So I breathe deeply. And again. And again. I picture how I want my sober, non hungover self to handle this. I tell myself that, “This too shall pass.” And, in time, it does.
I do want to back up to last night. As I am nearing my drive home from work and getting the boys from daycare, my husband calls. He has finished up a big job and the workers were going to the tavern to have a few beers to celebrate. He invited me and I declined. He said to just come for one. I know better. One means two means three means …I lose count and wake up hungover. I respectfully decline and tell him honestly that I won’t stop at one. I swear I could taste the beer on my lips. I take a different route home so I don’t pass the tavern and become tempted. For one day, for one night, Victory is mine!
And this, I know, is how I will have to live my life from now on. Honestly, faithfully, simply.