The sun is shining on my back and I feel the warmth radiating through me- much like my drunk days when the Captain would warm me in my chest down to my toes.
Although, this time, it’s different. I will remember, I will be clear-headed, and I will not have to hide my slurring words and forgetful self because they won’t be around. I won’t have to add more ice to the moment so I can last until 8:30 p.m. I won’t have to slow down with a drink of water so as to appear as if I am in control. No, none of this will have to be. Today, I am sober and I know this is just one of many moments I am able to feel since deciding to give up the booze.
My husband apologized for his role in the Zyrtec episode last night. He felt he upset me; the truth is I felt I had no voice and wasn’t being respected -but that doesn’t excuse my behavior. So we talked, sober, and worked out our disagreement. Imagine that. I CAN communicate without alcohol. Lesson learned.
But he’s on to me. He knows I am not drinking. I’m not sure how I thought I could keep anything from him. He knew how much I drank so I am not surprised to learn he knows I am not. We have plans Friday with friends and while it’s four days away, I cannot help but acknowledge the anxiety in my chest. What if they notice I am not drinking? What if they say something? What if they pressure me? What if they say, “Well, it’s about time you quit drinking. You’ve been an embarrassment for years!” I voice these concerns to my husband as I brush the shameful tears that are uncontrollably flowing off my face and throat. How will I keep this a secret? I am not ready to come out to the world as an alcoholic. I myself am still wrapping my head around it; I am in no position to withstand shame, guilt, sneers or whatever from others. I do that perfectly well on my own. Thank you very much.These friends don’t know I have a problem. I have always “kept IT in check” around them as my drinking was generally at home with my rules, my secrecy, my deception.
But this “blip of sunshine” is my husband, tired of my drunkenness and emotional absence from our marriage. who will be my ally. So we make a plan: I will be the DD whilst in his company truck. It is a solid alibi and one that cannot be argued by anyone with a sense of professional responsibility (which this couple has, thank God).
I love that he supports me; I love that I feel like in this great big dilemma, I have a rock. BUT, I also know that I HAVE to own everything. Every choice, every decision no matter how great or small- has to come from within me. No one is to rescue me but me. Part of my drinking came as a result of feeling like no one externally would rescue me. In this short time of clarity, I know I have to rescue me and no one else.
So, in short, I am comfortable with the plan. I can own this decision and honor it.