So it’s day five for me and I feel sorry for myself. Because I have been sober, and those of you who have come clean understand this, I am tired, pissed, no longer able to stuff every possible feeling I have in a bottle of Captain Morgan, fearful, anxious…did I mention pissed?
So as I am giving my boys their Zyrtec, my older son says, “Why so much?” It’s 1 1/2 teaspoons. My husband mentioned that he thinks only one teaspoon is supposed to be given. I explain that children over six and adults can have up to two depending on the severity of the symptoms. They both insist I am wrong. So, what do I do? Become irate and say, “If this is the way I am going to be treated by the men around here for trying to help, do it yourselves!” And I stomped off to bed for the night.
Any one with experience in counseling could use that moment as how not to react or say or do. so, today I am pissed because even though I checked the dosage recs on the bottle and I am right after all, I did not handle myself as I should. I fell right back into being 12 again, without a voice and the whole world against me. I want to take the moment back but cannot.
In other news, I went to a prayer vigil last night with one of my daughters. Her friend mysteriously fell ill and the docs do not now if she’ll live. So as we stand there with our candles, freezing, praying and reflecting, I cry. Not for the poor girl; I do not know her personally. But, I cry because I have my daughter next to me and I have ignored her for my best friend Captain for the past however many years. How could I have abandoned her? How could I have acted like I wanted to be at her games, events, her parties? If you ask my daughters, they will tell you they know I love them and always do anything and everything for them. What they don’t know, is that it is out of guilt for being an alcoholic.
This sober thing is a lot harder than I ever imagined.