Day Six and I am reaching out…it’s all online and very safe at this point. All my cybersobers are fantastic, and I mean that sincerely. The emails, comments, replies have all been heartfelt and fantastic.
But, I look at what I am doing and I wonder if I am copping out AGAIN. I mean, this tapping away at the keyboard inspecting my day and my thoughts is very introspective and I do learn from this. But, am I hiding?
I have a habit of hiding. In my youth, I would hide by blending in. Agreeing with everybody. Not causing waves. Not having a voice or an opinion. I just wanted to blend in. Or fit in, more appropriately. Sadly, I never did but that’s a topic for a different post.
As I grew up (I won’t say matured because I am a late bloomer- always have been), I replaced agreeing with just not saying anything other than an occasional, “Yeah, sure. Sounds great.” And then later, generally feeling put out I would think, “Wait, what was the question? What did I agree to?” By tuning out to the world and into my bottle, life was passing me by and I would only care remotely at times.
Professionally, the blending in became ass kissing. But I am a good ass kisser because I know how to appear genuine and I know how not to go over the top. I am a master deceiver; I’ve lied to myself for about 30 years. So I am very, very good at the role of sucker upper. Not too much not too little. Perfect Blend. Smoke and mirrors. Lies and deceit.
And this is great if my profession were to be a magician. But I am not a magician. So, in the end, I am the one who sacrificed. I lost opportunities big and small – even if it meant staying home to take a hot shower. Alone. I lost friends because I didn’t want to discover what they really may have offered. And I lost myself. All in the name of blending in. Ridiculous.
So, I question myself. Am I here blogging because it’s easier to blend in? Am I lying to myself? Am I hiding?
The best I can come up with is no. I do find merit and worth in what I write. I am feeling more empowered with each passing day and each blog posting. I do take care to respect and honor my feelings I have surface when I am writing. I like knowing that I have a voice coming back to me. For years I have been a combination of speechless, outspoken, and down right angry. This venue seems relaxing, inspiring, motivating, and fulfilling.
So, if all of these positives are coming out of hiding, I guess I can handle being “under cover” a bit longer.