So Day 15 is here and I am sitting here raw, exposed, pit in my stomach, hotness in my face. All triggers for me to go grab a drink and say f*&^ this all. (Don’t worry my few followers, I am at work for the next 3.5 hours and, “This too shall pass.”)
Last night, my therapist asked me why I still have alcohol in my house (22 beers, a half bottle of Captain, a half bottle of Crown. I’m not obsessive, doesn’t everyone keep inventory? Just don’t ask me what spices I have; for some reason, I don’t count them…) Today, my response irritates me. But last night, it seemed totally logical. I looked at her and said, “Because I am bigger than this. I KNOW how much I have screwed up, and there is no way I would go back there.” She’s a professional yanno so she sat there for what seemed like an ample amount of time for milk to coagulate into cottage cheese. I waited for her to pat me on the head, give me a gold star, clap wildly.
None of this happened. She sat. I thought. She sat. I thought. She sat. I felt a sharp pain in my chest; my breathing increased; my stomach a little pit of knots. Shit. I swear if she weren’t expensive and I didn’t have 27 minutes left of my appointment, I would have bolted for the door. Fuck me. I am bigger than this. I seriously wanted to reach down on that couch, shake myself, and ask myself who in the hell I thought I was. Today, I realize how ridiculous I sounded. God love my therapist. She told me she wasn’t going to tell me what to do; this is my path and I have to do what I need to do. But she did suggest I ask myself why I thought it was okay to leave that in my house.
Maybe I am not as committed on some level. Maybe I had this notion that will power alone would get me through. Maybe I think the more I say no the better person I am. Maybe I think the stronger I am the faster I heal. The bottom line is, today I know all of this is bullshit. If I were “bigger” than this, I wouldn’t be in this predicament.
So the feelings today are (I think ) largely due to the fact that I am starting to realize that being sober isn’t half the battle like I did a few days ago. It’s not even close. Being sober is the damn tool in my tool box I have to have in order to fix the leaky pipes. And a wrench by itself ain’t going to do the trick either.
I need to go shopping for some more tools. I am ill-equipped for this renovation project. And, for some reason, I had the notion that I am the General Contractor.