Ace is the place for the helpful hardware man.


So Day 15 is here and I am sitting here raw, exposed, pit in my stomach, hotness in my face. All triggers for me to go grab a drink and say f*&^ this all. (Don’t worry my few followers, I am at work for the next 3.5 hours and, “This too shall pass.”)

Last night, my therapist asked me why I still have alcohol in my house (22 beers, a half bottle of Captain, a half bottle of Crown. I’m not obsessive, doesn’t everyone keep inventory? Just don’t ask me what spices I have; for some reason, I don’t count them…) Today, my response irritates me. But last night, it seemed totally logical. I looked at her and said, “Because I am bigger than this. I KNOW how much I have screwed up, and there is no way I would go back there.” She’s a professional yanno so she sat there for what seemed like an ample amount of time for milk to coagulate into cottage cheese. I waited for her to pat me on the head, give me a gold star, clap wildly.

None of this happened. She sat. I thought. She sat. I thought. She sat. I felt a sharp pain in my chest; my breathing increased; my stomach a little pit of knots. Shit. I swear if she weren’t expensive and I didn’t have 27 minutes left of my appointment, I would have bolted for the door. Fuck me. I am bigger than this. I seriously wanted to reach down on that couch, shake myself, and ask myself who in the hell I thought I was. Today, I realize how ridiculous I sounded. God love my therapist. She told me she wasn’t going to tell me what to do; this is my path and I have to do what I need to do. But she did suggest I ask myself why I thought it was okay to leave that in my house.

Maybe I am not as committed on some level. Maybe I had this notion that will power alone would get me through. Maybe I think the more I say no the better person I am. Maybe I think the stronger I am the faster I heal. The bottom line is, today I know all of this is bullshit. If I were “bigger” than this, I wouldn’t be in this predicament.

So the feelings today are (I think ) largely due to the fact that I am starting to realize that being sober isn’t half the battle like I did a few days ago. It’s not even close. Being sober is the damn tool in my tool box I have to have in order to fix the leaky pipes. And  a wrench by itself ain’t going to do the trick either.

I need to go shopping for some more tools. I am ill-equipped for this renovation project. And, for some reason, I had the notion that I am the General Contractor.

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8 thoughts on “Ace is the place for the helpful hardware man.

  1. good therapist there (I know – I have had I don’t know how many in the past and I lied to all but one about my drinking!). And she asks a good question. You mention this notion you have. There is something in 12-step literature that talks about us having “lurking notions” that we can drink like normal people…and if we have any of those, they need to go, or else we struggle with the idea of sobriety. This is a good thing that happened there with your therapist – the mirror has been turned inward and you have seen that this might need a little bit more bolstering 🙂

    Awareness is a great asset to have, and you have it here. And you’re sharing it, which I know will help someone else in their journey as well. So thank you for that. We all have had those lurking notions…hell, even when we go on for years we have a flash of that pop up. I had one of those a few weeks ago. it was like – WTF did that come from? Oh, lurking notion…you’re silly. Now get your ass out of here…lol.

    Blessings,
    Paul

  2. This is a great post! And, like Paul said something we all deal with. In early sobriety I think it’s extra important to remove it all. There is absolutely no reason to keep it around because all it takes is that one lurking thought and you’re back to day one. Good for recognizing it – now time to take action! We’re with you!

    • I have to say, it felt great. Not a first, but certainly as I sat with it and then went back to reread, I really felt like I was getting somewhere even just for that moment.
      My therapist has gently reminded me that dealing with women in therapy is only as useful as the woman’s honesty. She promised me not to take my money and waste my time if I promise to not waste hers.
      So, I am working my tail off to honor that promise.

    • Thank you on so many levels. Mr. Soberpants has had me up past my bedtime, but it is well worth it! You are a gem.
      Oh, and my local grocery store carried white chocolate macadamia nut cookie mix. All I had to do was add a 3/4 stick of butter and an egg. wow. They are WAY better as I did say anything I regret after eating a few. 🙂

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