Day 20. I woke up today way too early, fell back asleep and was then in a rush to get out the door with the kids by 6:30. Funny, though, I wasn’t bitter, agitated, or sharp in tone. In fact, I quipped to my husband that it was great to be in a rush without a hangover; I only had to put the toothpaste on the brush once and I never dropped my loofah in the shower because my hands weren’t shaking!
But, in all seriousness, the rush was great–for a bit. After I dropped the boys off at the sitter’s and started my commute into work, I was still keyed up. However, something in me wasn’t right. This “rush” felt off. I didn’t want my whole day to be a race; I know where that mindset gets me: “Oh. slow down. Have ONE drink; it will relax you.” Yada. Yada. Yada. I tried Christian music, Catholic talk radio, quiet. Nothing was calming my heart. And then, a miracle happened.
I picked up my phone, called my brother, and told him I hit my bottom. He said, “WHAT?!?”
So, I repeated myself more clearly. “It’s a high bottom, but I hit it.”
What he said next won’t surprise those who practice their recovery.
“Shit. I wish I were with you. Okay. No worries. We got this.”
Just like that. My whole world opened up in that very moment. I have my big brother in my corner loving me, not judging me, supporting me- all in an instant.
My brother has been in AA for 22 years, and he is spiritual about his recovery. I have admired him from the day he sought treatment for a variety of reasons. Every adversity he has faced (and because that is HIS story and not mine, I will not go into detail.), he has done so with grace, thought, and sobriety. That doesn’t mean he isn’t irritated or angry; but his recovery time from such incidents is much quicker and much more genuine. I believe (for I am finding out I don’t KNOW much anymore as my truth has been distorted) on a number of occasions he has reached out to me in a roundabout way to get help, but he has had the wisdom and the grace to realize I have to be ready. Today, I am ready.
My calling him was nothing short of a miracle. My Ego had to take a backseat to the anxiety that was creeping into my veins and setting me up. My Ego, my Pride, my Inability to Get Real, whatever you want to call it lost today.
I was driven to my knees hypothetically speaking. I had to admit I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable. (I didn’t have to look that up, either. My mom drilled that into my head decades ago; And although I KNEW the step, I sure as hell wasn’t living it; I am a slow learner…)
So, the next 25 minutes were so full. Full of love, support, truth, and wisdom…but minimal; he promised not to throw too much out at me at once. And I sure recognize that he has the ability to go on and on and on. But he didn’t.
I have to commit to two things today:
I have committed myself to go to a meeting at 5:15. I have two assignments: 1) Say it’s my first meeting and 2) Tell them I need a female sponsor- even if it’s temporary
This, I can do.
As recent as last week, I said, “Everything happens for a reason.” And I never believed those words really. But, today, I overslept which I haven’t done since choosing sobriety just a short 20 days ago. And maybe my sleeping in wasn’t The Reason for calling my brother. I don’t know. And quite frankly, I don’t care. Calling him means I am accountable in person. Calling him means I have a buddy in my corner. Calling him means I am starting to just tip the bag over to see what’s inside.
And to me, all of this is nothing short of miraculous.