I am not a patient person by nature; I have to work very hard to remember to breathe, to look at the other perspective, to stay quiet, and to be compassionate. To some, this looks effortless. To me, it is a daily struggle I have; but it is not necessarily that I am impatient with others. I am with myself. I want change yesterday. I want to be two years sober. I want the pain to hurry up, surface, get out, so I can more on.
My therapist told me yesterday she thinks part of me is still in denial. I sat there feeling a bit numb to her words. I got into my head and wondered what part of me is in denial. So, I thought back over the past five weeks and starting making a mental list of what I HAVE done: I said I am alcoholic; I have been going to meetings; I haven’t missed any of my twice weekly sessions and have completed all the “homework” my therapist has assigned, I have a pseudo sponsor; I am reading the Big Book, doing meditations, not drinking, cleaned my home all of alcohol, journaling, blogging, praying. I have talked to two of my older children and explained where I am in all of this; I have opened up to three coworkers; I talk to my husband about several of the issues I am feeling. What in the hell else am I supposed to be doing? Check, please. I am done.
But, I’m not,really. I am grumpy. Okay, pissed off. She took the week off for the holiday; I busted my ass working on myself. I don’t get a “day off” from this or I make myself vulnerable to a relapse. Is she even remotely aware of the hours I have spent? I loathe not knowing what to do. I feel helpless, scared and vulnerable. I want someone to say, “This is what you’re missing; here is what you should be doing.”
But that is an old tape. I am so damn used to everyone telling me all of the time how to think, how to feel, how to act, react, respond. Now, I have the daily, hourly, even minutely (new word, I think.) opportunity to steer my own path. No wonder I am numb. I have never been taught how to feel in an appropriate way. All I know is to numb out, to shut down, to act defensive, to be a “baby,” to deny.
Denial. Maybe that has something to do with my lack of a pink cloud. I don’t remotely feel any pride, self-acceptance, or great happiness. I don’t have huge scores of energy nor have I started any specific exercise regime. I am just here. Eating better, thinking (I believe) clearer, being present. Apparently, I am missing something.
Denial. I have to regroup, get off the proverbial pot and do something differently.
For starters, I have to grab a tissue and release some of this pissedoffdom I have conjured up detailing this post.