Check, please.

I am not a patient person by nature; I have to work very hard to remember to breathe, to look at the other perspective, to stay quiet, and to be compassionate. To some, this looks effortless. To me, it is a daily struggle I have; but it is not necessarily that I am impatient with others. I am with myself. I want change yesterday. I want to be two years sober. I want the pain to hurry up, surface, get out, so I can more on.

My therapist told me yesterday she thinks part of me is still in denial. I sat there feeling a bit numb to her words. I got into my head and wondered what part of me is in denial. So, I thought back over the past five weeks and starting making a mental list of what I HAVE done:  I said I am alcoholic; I have been going to meetings; I haven’t missed any of my twice weekly sessions and have completed all the “homework” my therapist has assigned, I have a pseudo sponsor; I am reading the Big Book, doing meditations, not drinking, cleaned my home all of alcohol, journaling, blogging, praying. I have talked to two of my older children and explained where I am in all of this; I have opened up to three coworkers; I talk to my husband about several of the issues I am feeling. What in the hell else am I supposed to be doing? Check, please. I am done.

But, I’m not,really. I am grumpy. Okay, pissed off. She took the week off for the holiday; I busted my ass working on myself. I don’t get a “day off” from this or I make myself vulnerable to a relapse. Is she even remotely aware of the hours I have spent? I loathe not knowing what to do. I feel helpless, scared and vulnerable. I want someone to say, “This is what you’re missing; here is what you should be doing.” 

But that is an old tape. I am so damn used to everyone telling me all of the time how to think, how to feel, how to act, react, respond. Now, I have the daily, hourly, even minutely (new word, I think.) opportunity to steer my own path. No wonder I am numb. I have never been taught how to feel in an appropriate way. All I know is to numb out, to shut down, to act defensive, to be a “baby,” to deny.

Denial. Maybe that has something to do with my lack of a pink cloud. I don’t remotely feel any pride, self-acceptance, or great happiness. I don’t have huge scores of energy nor have I started any specific exercise regime. I am just here. Eating better, thinking (I believe) clearer, being present. Apparently, I am missing something.

Denial. I have to regroup, get off the proverbial pot and do something differently.

For starters, I have to grab a tissue and release some of this pissedoffdom I have conjured up detailing this post.



2 thoughts on “Check, please.

  1. Oh, sweetie.

    This: ‘I am so damn used to everyone telling me all of the time how to think, how to feel, how to act, react, respond. Now, I have the daily, hourly, even minutely (new word, I think.) opportunity to steer my own path.’

    God, I SO REMEMBER this, from those early days. It is a form of denial, to be sure, since full sobriety includes full responsibility for ourselves, our thoughts, feelings, and decisions. And if we are waiting for someone else to ‘give us the answer’, then we are not there yet.

    Here’s the thing, though: it is part of the process. Realising that you are not yet taking full responsibility is part of the process. Feeling pissed off and angry is part of it, too. You are doing everything that I did, feeling everything that I felt – and I still made it. You can, too.

    Chin up, deep breaths and hang on. You are doing great, I promise you.

    • Thanks. I talked with my brother today who gave me several suggestions. He also assured me that some day I will look back on this post and period of my life and realize how sick I am.
      In the meantime, more meetings, more self care, less analyzing and more tears.
      I appreciate your feedback!

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