Today as I am home from work with a sick little guy, I have extra time to reflect on where I am in my journey. Physically, I am well. I kicked the flu’s butt, am well rested, and happily fed. Mentally, I am in a decent place. I have a meeting to look forward to later in the day when my sponsor will present me with my 30 day coin (We’re a little late, but this is not- I am learning- about perfection!). My work is caught up and I can sit back and have some tea. Spiritually, though, I am a bit depleted. I have not done the readings or the reflections for the day. I asked myself why I haven’t done so today or really any day with any regularity. So, I think about it and realize that somehow I have to figure out a system to which I can stick…but as usual, I have over thought the process, made up excuses, and got way ahead of myself about what rigid time won’t work for me because in three years I might oversleep.
Did anyone notice I mentioned that I am not supposed to go about my sobriety being perfect? Egad. When I take the time to stop and to evaluate what is working for me, I also take a moment to think about what isn’t. My spirituality isn’t working for me because I am not working for it. I have mulled over times, places, the hows…on and on and on about just how my daily reflections and meditations should “look.” For a woman who hates to be judged on appearances, I sure have that notion engrained in my head. In the meantime, i have deprived myself of some great conversations with my Higher Power because I am too worried about “getting it right.” The funny part is, if I have never had it right, how can I be wrong?
So, I redefine spirituality. In fact, it’s become pretty generic. For instance, if I have cried, I count that as having prayed. That’s my Higher Power speaking to me telling me to soothe my heart. If I am experiencing anger, that’s great. I know not to act on my anger, but rather, I welcome it because it’s an emotion- something I have stuffed with alcohol for 34 years. If I am quiet and pensive, I allow the thoughts to mull in and out without giving too much credence to them. After all, I have begun to not trust what is permeating in my brain because it is likely a bunch of negative crap anyway.
I know my Higher Power is working for me. I think He has been for years and it’s just now that I am recognizing if I step aside, He’ll do wonders for me.
So, today, I feel courageous. I believe that the fears I have wanting to rear their ugly heads and bring me down are going to have to take a hike. I have to defragment part of my hard drive so I can make some room for my spiritual growth.
And that feels pretty good.