“Courage is fear that has said its prayers.” – Dorothy Bernard


Today as I am home from work with a sick little guy, I have extra time to reflect on where I am in my journey. Physically, I am well. I kicked the flu’s butt, am well rested, and happily fed. Mentally, I am in a decent place. I have a meeting to look forward to later in the day when my sponsor will present me with my 30 day coin (We’re a little late, but this is not- I am learning- about perfection!).  My work is caught up and I can sit back and have some tea. Spiritually, though, I am a bit depleted. I have not done the readings or the reflections for the day. I asked myself why I haven’t done so today or really any day with any regularity. So, I think about it and realize that somehow I have to figure out a system to which I can stick…but as usual, I have over thought the process, made up excuses, and got way ahead of myself about what rigid time won’t work for me because in three years I might oversleep.

Did anyone notice I mentioned that I am not supposed to go about my sobriety being perfect? Egad. When I take the time to stop and to evaluate what is working for me, I also take a moment to think about what isn’t. My spirituality isn’t working for me because I am not working for it. I have mulled over times, places, the hows…on and on and on about just how my daily reflections and meditations should “look.” For  a woman who hates to be judged on appearances, I sure have that notion engrained in my head. In the meantime, i have deprived myself of some great conversations with my Higher Power because I am too worried about “getting it right.” The funny part is, if I have never had it right, how can I be wrong?

So, I redefine spirituality. In fact, it’s become pretty generic. For instance, if I have cried, I count that as having prayed. That’s my Higher Power speaking to me telling me to soothe my heart. If I am experiencing anger, that’s great. I know not to act on my anger, but rather, I welcome it because it’s an emotion- something I have stuffed with alcohol for 34 years. If I am quiet and pensive, I allow the thoughts to mull in and out without giving too much credence to them. After all, I have begun to not trust what is permeating in my brain because it is likely a bunch of negative crap anyway.

I know my Higher Power is working for me. I think He has been for years and it’s just now that I am recognizing if I step aside, He’ll do wonders for me.

So, today, I feel courageous. I believe that the fears I have wanting to rear their ugly heads and bring me down are going to have to take a hike. I have to defragment part of my hard drive so I can make some room for my spiritual growth.

And that feels pretty good.

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2 thoughts on ““Courage is fear that has said its prayers.” – Dorothy Bernard

  1. I understand this. I have been there! I have wanted my sobriety to look fantastic, elegant, perfect. I wanted my serenity to be a postcard or an instruction manual. But it doesn’t work that way. I mess up, I forget my readings sometimes (or put them off), I don’t pray as much as I feel I need, etc. My spiritual life isn’t a blueprint to follow. It just is. And can I improve it? I guess so. But the Creator meets me where I am at, not where I want to be. So if here and now is where I am, so is He. As long as I stay near Him, then I am ok.

    Wonderful post 🙂

    Blessings,
    Paul

  2. Paul-
    And the bottom line is who gets to live our lives anyway? I always love your posts and your comments; in fact, I was just reading through your latest one. And yanno what? In all the crap that you’ve been through in just the past 24-48 hours alone, you have taken the time to get out of you, reach out, and provide care to others. The daily reflection is all about that today.
    Your spiritual journey is rolling right along!
    God love ya!

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