So I have just been bumping along pretty nicely for the last 41 days checking in here, AA meetings, with my sponsor, my therapist, my brother. Yep, all is good here- just ask me.
God. I am such a good liar, I don’t even know when I am bullshitting myself. And without getting into a self-deprecating rant, I have to explain. (Those of you who have been in recovery for some time can skip straight to the comment section as I am sure this is nothing new.)
I had a dream the other night that I had a “fuck it” night. I was with my in-laws celebrating the holidays at a local bar. My intent was to have a one inch glass of wine and be done. But, we know how the story goes. One inch became one glass became two bottles. By the end of my dream, I was “white girl wasted” dancing on the table, laughing at myself, screaming to hear others speak because the music was blaring. I was having a blast in my dream. Then, in my dream, I woke up. I felt terrible, cried, and moved my “sober day counter” back to one.
When I physically woke up, I was sweating. I quickly hopped into the shower in hopes of washing away this nightmare. But, my mind wasn’t going to let me get away with the thoughts that easily. Nope, I had to beat myself up, go through the gamut of “I told you so’s”, and be a bitch to the people around me without expressing the real issue.
I was having a huge relapse of denial. I didn’t want to believe that my dream could be so powerful, so powerful I felt the music beating, I smelled the wine, I heard myself laughing. But the reality is, I did have that dream. The possibility of me relapsing with alcohol are very real, but I didn’t want to admit it. Damn. My Ego is so much bigger than I gave it credit.
I talked to my sponsor about the dream. She asked me if I believed I was accepting Step One. “Well, YEAH! I’m going to meetings, counseling, journaling, sitting here with you.” Man, I am such a bitch sometimes when I don’t get out of myself and get a new perspective. But, God love her, she laughed.
“Oh. So your drinking every day, not being present for your husband or kids, your anger, your “fuck life” attitude, your depression. That was all working for you, huh? Sounds pretty unmanageable to me.”
Damn. Busted. Reality. One of my favorite lines is, “You can’t bullshit a bullshitter.” Whelp. It’s true and it’s time I figure that out so I quit wasting my sponsor’s time.
Some days, the fear of my reality can be overwhelming. But, I say “I am staying in the moment. I am doing the next right thing. I am not drinking.”
And that’s great. It truly is. But it is not enough to say the slogans. I have to dig deeper and get real. The big thing is I have to quit lying to myself. I am an alcoholic. I am not able to drink ever again. My sucky moments will pass IF I continue to WORK the program. Showing up to a 5K but never stepping past the start line didn’t earn anyone any medals.
Not that I am looking for medals, but surely you get the metaphor.
And God forbid I nurture myself and come to love myself. THAT would be weird.