Generally speaking, when I sit down to blog I have an idea where I’m headed with my thoughts; I have a topic in mind. Today is different. I have been in and out of my head more times than I care to count in the past 48 hours. I feel like I am on the proverbial struggle bus and I am not sure where my next stop is.
I told myself that I started this blog as a way to express my feelings, to stay sober, and to be accountable to just myself. And truly that was my intention. I used to use a pen and paper to do my journalling, but typing has become much easier for me so this seemed a natural progression. Yet, over the course of the past few weeks, this blog is becoming something more to me. I am not entirely sure I know what I expect anymore. I emailed a cyber friend and asked her advice. I loved her comments, am taking her advice and I’m going to “throw this out there” into the universe and see what happens. (Hugs and God bless you, Michelle.)
Not unlike many people with addictions, I’ve spent a great number of years seeking approval from others. Wrapping my identity up into how others define me has helped and hindered me. Sometimes, others have seen a strength in me I never dreamed was there; other times, people have misunderstood my personality (drunk and sober) and it gets me into trouble. But in the long run, how other people defined me wasn’t authentic (in the sense that I didn’t connect with their impression whether positive or negative) so I felt it didn’t matter.
So having said that, can someone please tell me why in the hell I get excited when my phone “dings” alerting me that someone has liked my post, or better yet, commented on what I had to say? Or, conversely, when I have a low number of people visiting the site, why do I feel a personal affront? It really seems pretty ridiculous in the grand scheme of life and recovery.
Is this my need for approval from others? I thought I was writing for myself. Sometimes, I think I am losing that honesty and I think too hard about how my heart may be interpreted by those reading.
Why can’t I just write a post and not be consumed with how others like it, identify with it, or think it hits home? Is my Ego that big? If it is my Ego, how do I reign myself back in and learn to “go with it”? How do I check my Ego at the door and let it be?
And why in the hell if I am supposed to be working on Step Two (Came to believe a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity) am I not building my relationship with my Higher Power? Why am I not turning this over too? And where is the sanity I am supposed to be directing myself towards?
I’m sure the answer is smacking me in the face, or it isn’t. I don’t like not having an answer, but then again, my life has “become unmanageable” so perhaps saying I don’t know is the surrender.
Untitled. On. Purpose.