Untitled. On. Purpose.


Generally speaking, when I sit down to blog I have an idea where I’m headed with my thoughts; I have a topic in mind. Today is different. I have been in and out of my head more times than I care to count in the past 48 hours. I feel like I am on the proverbial struggle bus and I am not sure where my next stop is.

I told myself that I started this blog as a way to express my feelings, to stay sober, and to be accountable to just myself. And truly that was my intention. I used to use a pen and paper to do my journalling, but typing has become much easier for me so this seemed a natural progression. Yet, over the course of the past few weeks, this blog is becoming something more to me. I am not entirely sure I know what I expect anymore. I emailed a cyber friend and asked her advice. I loved her comments, am taking her advice and I’m going to “throw this out there” into the universe and see what happens. (Hugs and God bless you, Michelle.)

Not unlike many people with addictions, I’ve spent a great number of years seeking approval from others. Wrapping my identity up into how others define me has helped and hindered me. Sometimes, others have seen a strength in me I never dreamed was there; other times, people have misunderstood my personality (drunk and sober) and it gets me into trouble. But in the long run,  how other people defined me wasn’t authentic (in the sense that I didn’t connect with their impression whether positive or negative) so I felt it didn’t matter.

So having said that, can someone please tell me why in the hell I get excited when my phone “dings” alerting me that someone has liked my post, or better yet, commented on what I had to say? Or, conversely, when I have a low number of people visiting the site, why do I feel a personal affront? It really seems pretty ridiculous in the grand scheme of life and recovery.

Is this my need for approval from others? I thought I was writing for myself. Sometimes, I think I am losing that honesty and I think too hard about how my heart may be interpreted by those reading.

Why can’t I just write a post and not be consumed with how others like it, identify with it, or think it hits home? Is my Ego that big? If it is my Ego, how do I reign myself back in and learn to “go with it”? How do I check my Ego at the door and let it be?

And why in the hell if I am supposed to be working on Step Two (Came to believe a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity) am I not building my relationship with my Higher Power? Why am I not turning this over too? And where is the sanity I am supposed to be directing myself towards?

I’m sure the answer is smacking me in the face, or it isn’t. I don’t like not having an answer, but then again, my life has “become unmanageable” so perhaps saying I don’t know is the surrender.

Untitled. On. Purpose.

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8 thoughts on “Untitled. On. Purpose.

  1. Ha ha. You bring up something intrinsic to blogging, this affirmation factor built into it. I’m glad I started following so I could catch this post. It’s funny. My miniseries on blogging seems to hit people just at the time they’re thinking through their blogging. Would love to hear if anything I’ve said jives with you.

  2. Well, I really think this is a big part of the human condition. I mean the whole ‘I want to be recognised and affirmed’ thing. We all want to be seen, and we want who we are to be something good, maybe even great. I think where alcoholics fall down is in the belief that they can ONLY get this affirmation from outside of themselves, from others. Our parents, teachers, bosses, lovers, blog followers. Love me, love me! Tell me I’m wonderful 😉

    Truthfully, at the end of the day, we can only really get what we need from ourselves, from self-love. That comes with sobriety, and working hard to be honest and strong and healthy. Once we are, we can be proud of ourselves. And once we are proud of ourselves, we will feel self-love. And then we will not need others to tell us how great we are – we will know we’re great!

    So, for now it’s really important to just keep writing, honestly. Work through things, get to know who you are sober. Tell your ego to just simmer down a bit, that you’ll get there in the end. And soon, you’ll be amazed how many people see you, and admire you, and listen to you. They’ll respond to your honest voice, and what you have learned, and who you are, really and truly.

    That will feel great…. but you’ll already feel great, so it will be the cherry on the ice cream sundae. It’ll be a nice ‘extra’, but it won’t be everything. You’ll already have everything.

    • See? And this is why you are so great. I asked, you recommended and now I have much more clarity than when I was kicking this thought around.
      Being able to enjoy the process and not to get caught up in the result SOBER is new. I had this down pat as a drunk: Live in the moment and deal with the hangover later…
      But the truth is, as you so defined it, how I feel about me needs to come from the joy I receive from putting my feelings down regardless of the “cyber” outcome.
      This is such a bittersweet place to be today. I have so many epiphanies on a daily basis which is awesome but having to table some is somewhat troubling. Thank God we only have 24 hours in a day!
      Thank you, Michelle, for the feedback. It’s always appreciated.

      • Something about writing is so clarifying…. for me, it’s even therapeutic.

        I’m glad you are a bit more calm, with some distance and perspective. Have a great Friday!

        Hugs from,
        Michelle

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