I look at this step and think long and hard about; in fact, I’ve been reading it and trying to digest it for over two weeks. Who says I think too much?
I like that it says “came” – it’s forgiving right off the bat. I don’t have to KNOW; it isn’t instantaneous. Rather, it evolves slowly and deliberately. That through my work on sobriety and my interactions with others, I can come to understand just what it is that my HP has in store for me.
Currently, I am in an insane sane place. My HP stopped the insanity of my drinking. He stepped up and told me, “If you are truly willing to call it quits, I got this.In the meantime, do the next right thing: DON”T PICK UP A DRINK. You’ll need a clear head for what’s coming.”
So, I turned it over because I finally realized that the ability to say no was NOT my voice. I don’t stick with things, historically. But that is largely due to the fact that I was the one in charge. I’m here to tell you, being a back seat driver has never been better. I get to look out the windows, tune out the GPS, breathe and live. Placing my HP in charge of my sobriety and asking Him to just “do it for me”( I am aware I can’t sit cross-legged in my living room and life is all better), makes my daily life a hell of a lot easier to cope with. But, I have to be sober in order to deal with the blows of life and my HP holds the keys to that.
So today, my insane insanity looks like this:
I am sober, working full time outside of the home with four children -one who isn’t currently speaking to me, two dogs, a husband, a huge extended family, sports and other places to get the kids to, meetings, church, and on and on. Just like most everybody else. And there is tension in these places, and disappointment, anger, frustration, miscommunication, fear, fatigue, tears. But the sane part about all of the above is that I am sober. I still have the same “stuff,” and some of it will go away and be solved in time. But because I am sober, I get to keep the life I have. I will always have deadlines to meet; that’s life. But I don’t have to put them off to the point of stress and almost forgetting. I can manage them. I can lay my kids’ basketball bags out two days before a game rather than running through the house trying to find the shirt as they sit in the car honking the horn.
You see? Because my HP took over my life, I can breathe again. He is like a professional closet and home organizer. He comes in, takes an assessment and says, “Damn woman. Step aside. You’re in your own way here. I got this.”
Being able to come to believe in my HP is what is helping me come to believe in me. And for that, I am grateful.