“How in the hell did I get here?”- Me, driving to work one morning

Do you ever have one of those moments when you end up at a stop light and think, “How the hell did I get here already? Did I already pass____________?” And you aren’t drunk, high, texting, or otherwise disengaged in the driving process. I know scientists have a name for this, but it eludes me at the moment.

That happened to me earlier in the week, and it got me thinking. How much of my life has been a blur? How many times have I ended up in a situation, a feeling, a moment without really understanding how I got there?

Well, when I was drinking, that was a common occurrence. I would end up at a bar, in a hotel, my own bed, even a conversation- not recalling how I managed to get there. While those reflections do not represent the proudest moments of my life, they are still a part of my life. Worthwhile? Sure, because there are many lessons there I need not repeat.

But what about the times when I have simply flaked out? Nose in my ipad, zoning out in front of the tv, walking aimlessly around a mall? Most of those times were the morning after drinking so they include a hangover, fatigue, and the whole bucket of emotions that go with drinking.

Even still there are times when I have been simply unplugged. Those are the times that concern me. (Please do not read this as I am in denial and am not recognizing my alcoholic ways. I get that, but I cannot change or continue to reflect on the way I was under the influence; I will save those for the steps when I make my amends.) What I want to know is am I unplugging because the feelings are tough? Or is it a situation that has a simple fix but I am too damn stubborn to look for the solution? Forever checking my motivations; this is a new pattern for me- sometimes too little too late, but eventually the checking happens.

Sometimes, I feel like it’s the lady at the border patrol saying, “What is the reason for your visit?” And I look up and say, “Personal.”

How did I get to be my age and not know some basic things? It’s called growing up in an alcoholic home and not being allowed to feel, to think , to grow. Then, couple that with moving into adulthood masking feelings with alcohol. It’s no wonder I freak out at Starbucks. I am inundated with choices which I am not accustomed to doing.  This is an unfamiliar road for me.

But, today, the road is not too bad. I have the ability to look at where I am personally, professionally, spiritually and assess where I’d like to be. The greatest moments are when I feel good just being where I am. I like knowing that some days I can just be.

So, how in the hell did I get here? Well, journaling, AA, my lovely sponsor, my sober friends, blogging, therapy and not drinking. I have had to  It’s refreshing to have a clearer idea of where I am today. And while I may not always know how in the hell I got where I did, I do relish the notion that at the very least, today, I have the ability through the grace of God to question without shame, regret or embarrassment.


4 thoughts on ““How in the hell did I get here?”- Me, driving to work one morning

  1. God and AA gave me back “right here right now”. The ability to be present in my life, doing what I’m doing with the people I’m doing it with. That was always the place I wanted to escape. What a gift!

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