Well, I made it through another weekend sober. What’s interesting to me is how alcohol has been such a toxic, ridiculous disruption in my life and I was so unaware of it.
Which pisses me off.
I like to think I am smart, in control and know things. I have been bouncing along really thinking how very blessed I am that everything everyone who is in the program has been telling me I have managed to avoid. I’ve been in some really tough situations the last three months and managed to stay sober. It wasn’t effortless by any means; I had a plan, I reached out. yada yada yada.
So imagine my surprise Saturday night when the following happened to me:
I was sitting on my couch, reading Caroline Knapp’s Drinking: A Love Story. Out of the blue, I was salivating. I could barely swallow and my heart rate picked up. Then, I swear I was having an outer body experience. I envisioned myself at the liquor aisle and how I would behave.
Part of me (a very big, domineering part) said, “Oh, you would be fine. Look how far you’ve come.”
Another voice said, ” Are you out of your mind? What have you been working so hard for? You know you are an alcoholic. You can’t drink. You can’t even think of going to a liquor store.”
Still another said,” Hey. You got this. No worries. And anyway, one drink wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.”
And then another, “So what if you go and get wasted? What would be so bad if you did it once a year?”
I had no idea what happened. Everything went so fast. I shut my book, grabbed my phone and called my sponsor. Thank God she answered. As I talked her through what happened and she knew I was safe from drinking at that moment, I honestly lived the first step. I AM powerless over alcohol. I didn’t want those thoughts; I didn’t invite those voices in. But they were there and they were loud, powerful and obnoxious (much like I am when I am drinking. Go figure.)
I was, for the first time in my sobriety, afraid to my core. I had no idea how much alcohol had a grip on my soul, my being. It is a terrifying realization that out of the blue, this voice jumped in, unannounced and tried to sweep me off my feet.
But on the upside, as I continue to work through Step Two, I did come to believe on Saturday night that a power greater than I helped my out of my insanity and kept me sober. No way on this earthly sphere was I ever capable of denying that temptation. My Higher Power- with whom I am desperately trying to connect- was right there. The part that told me, “Call your sponsor. Don’t be afraid; she’ll know what to do” was a lesson in humility, powerlessness, and miracles.
And I told my sponsor I didn’t have a pink cloud…just like an alcoholic, I didn’t know I had one and I was living in it.