So, I have been very lax about posting here lately. I wrote it off to being too busy with work, the kids, baseball, household chores…and then I got honest. The truth is I am depressed. My six months of sobriety is coming up on Wednesday. My husband took note and seemed so happy. Then, he looked at me and asked, “What’s wrong,hon? You’ve been working so hard. This is a great thing you’re doing.”
Hmm.. yeah, yeah. It’s great. I had thoughts of is this even worth it? I’m bored. My husband and I don’t socialize anymore. I’ve lost “friends.” I feel people treat me a bit differently. Some of my sisters who know don’t call me anymore.
Here’s what I have NOT been doing.
Seeing my therapist. I had an appointment last week which I thought was Wednesday. It was Tuesday, so I missed it. Did I call and reschedule? Nope.
Going to meetings. I’m too busy.
Blogging. Too busy.
Taking my antidepressant. I ran out and don’t know how to do the online ordering so I’m just doing without.
Calling my sponsor daily. I call her enough to keep her at bay and off my back.
Praying and reading my daily reflections. I left my book in my car so it’s not convenient to get to first thing in the morning.
Does anyone smell victim? If I go back and prioritize my list, the obvious, glaring one is CALL THE DAMN DOCTOR AND GET BACK ON MY MEDS! I fooled myself into thinking my moods were altered because of alcohol. Since I was on six months, I must not really need them. Bull shit. My depression is real. Alcohol exacerbated my moods, but I am clearly in need of them. If I get that in check, I can go back to functioning again. I am treading in dangerous water here and I know it. I know all about playing the victim, blaming the people I love all around me and trying to put up a good front. Why in the hell do we feel we need to put up a good front? For what purpose? To further inflict hell upon our inner selves. I’ve often said that I love being sober. So why not anymore? Ah yes. I ran out of my meds and everything spiraled down. This I can control. Picking up the phone to call my doctor is not a huge task. Yes, she retired, but she did leave another one in her place. I am pretty sure someone in her office can help me figure out how to reorder online.
Out of all the crap I have to get done, calling and getting back on my anti-depressant is first and foremost. The “To Do” list of other areas is going to have to wait.
I can beat myself up and say I knew better or I can pick up the phone and do something about this today so I don’t end up where I was six months ago.
I always tell my kids, it’s the little things in life that mean the most. Calling the doctor is a little thing and it will mean the most. Time for this girl to get off the pity pot and start living again.