Deception can be a real bear


So, I took a break from blogging for a bit. Well, the truth is, I took a break from many things. Thankfully, not my sobriety. I told myself that I was doing just fine because I was not drinking, I felt good, and I was happy.

Sometimes my level of self-deception is pretty amazing. I lie to myself and say that I’m busy doing healthy things so I am fine. My two boys have three different baseball teams they play on, my older girls work out with me, help me with my errands, and have a love of bad Netflix shows (which we share). My husband and I coach two of the three teams so we’re pretty busy…after 5:00 p.m.

So, how am I filling my days? Laundry, grocery shopping, paying bills, working on new writing curriculum for the fall, working out, hoeing my garden, playing catch with the kids.

This all sounds fine. Except, I am an alcoholic. Where are my prayers, meditation, meetings, calls to my sponsor, blogging, journaling, Step work?

Well, hell. My sponsor texted me one afternoon and said, “Six months does not mean cured and sponsor-free.” Nuff said. So, I came up with a litany of excuses instead. Well, the boys have baseball so I can’t go to evening meetings; they are out of school now so I can’t go to daytime meetings because I don’t have a sitter. That leaves  Wednesday night because there is no baseball and Saturday (early) and Sunday (late). This is the trap I set for myself. VICTIM. I think I need to keep track of how many times a day I say I can’t. Although doing so may amaze me how I ever get anything done, too.

The good news is my home group decided that I should monitor the Wednesday night meetings. Therefore, I am locked in to at least once a week. No excuses.

But what troubles me the most is the fact that I am resisting again. I am in this well I feel good enough so I don’t need to stretch myself mode which is very dangerous. I know this, yet I slink into it. Am I afraid to feel too good about myself? Maybe. Am I holding back because I might discover somethings about me I don’t like? Maybe. Do I resist the need to seek further help because it may mean I broaden my self-respect? Maybe.  The answers aren’t clear right now but the problem sure is. I am in my way again.

So, today I blogged. I have my meeting for which I need to prep tonight. I am calling a sitter for tomorrow so I can go to a mid-day meeting and my therapist. I will journal later and start working on my amends list. (Hmm… maybe I don’t want to say I’m sorry…)

At any rate, this is why it’s called recovery and not recovered. 

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Deception can be a real bear

  1. Great to read this. I’m in a similar place, letting the ongoing bit of recovery have the space and effort it needs. Thanks for reminding me what I need to do x

  2. Thanks for the comment. I went to a meeting tonight because I had to. LOL. The “elders” put me in as monitor so I had no excuse. I swear this was my HP’s joke on me to get my rear in gear. We can be strong in our sobriety, but we have to be aware of our weaknesses too. One of biggest ones is not being true to myself. That is a mighty slippery slope that I don’t want to get caught up on.
    Keep me posted on how you’re doing; you’re so worth it!

  3. “Six months does not mean cured and sponsor-free.” This… I. Love. It. Ha ha.

    I get like that too. I have to kick myself in the ass to go to meetings these days. I am glad, of course, to go, but I too have a litany of reasons why I can’t go – my work schedule is the primary reason, but I know that I can ask my wife to take on additional stuff so that I can go. Different from when I went to 210 meetings the first 90 days…lol. So I can identify totally. I had to recently reach out to my own sponsor, hit meetings and give my number out. Reconnect face-to-face, as I can easily hibernate in the internet 🙂

    Thank you for this – a good reminder for me.

    Paul

    • No problem, Paul. Now that I have the freedom to live again, I don’t want to get caught up in the day in and day out routine. Life is supposed to be exciting and part of that is connecting to others like me. Going to meetings is stretching myself because without alcohol and being in the comfort of my home or classroom, I am really a pretty shy person.
      Hope your Grecian war wound is healing nicely. 🙂
      Linda

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s