So, I took a break from blogging for a bit. Well, the truth is, I took a break from many things. Thankfully, not my sobriety. I told myself that I was doing just fine because I was not drinking, I felt good, and I was happy.
Sometimes my level of self-deception is pretty amazing. I lie to myself and say that I’m busy doing healthy things so I am fine. My two boys have three different baseball teams they play on, my older girls work out with me, help me with my errands, and have a love of bad Netflix shows (which we share). My husband and I coach two of the three teams so we’re pretty busy…after 5:00 p.m.
So, how am I filling my days? Laundry, grocery shopping, paying bills, working on new writing curriculum for the fall, working out, hoeing my garden, playing catch with the kids.
This all sounds fine. Except, I am an alcoholic. Where are my prayers, meditation, meetings, calls to my sponsor, blogging, journaling, Step work?
Well, hell. My sponsor texted me one afternoon and said, “Six months does not mean cured and sponsor-free.” Nuff said. So, I came up with a litany of excuses instead. Well, the boys have baseball so I can’t go to evening meetings; they are out of school now so I can’t go to daytime meetings because I don’t have a sitter. That leaves Wednesday night because there is no baseball and Saturday (early) and Sunday (late). This is the trap I set for myself. VICTIM. I think I need to keep track of how many times a day I say I can’t. Although doing so may amaze me how I ever get anything done, too.
The good news is my home group decided that I should monitor the Wednesday night meetings. Therefore, I am locked in to at least once a week. No excuses.
But what troubles me the most is the fact that I am resisting again. I am in this well I feel good enough so I don’t need to stretch myself mode which is very dangerous. I know this, yet I slink into it. Am I afraid to feel too good about myself? Maybe. Am I holding back because I might discover somethings about me I don’t like? Maybe. Do I resist the need to seek further help because it may mean I broaden my self-respect? Maybe. The answers aren’t clear right now but the problem sure is. I am in my way again.
So, today I blogged. I have my meeting for which I need to prep tonight. I am calling a sitter for tomorrow so I can go to a mid-day meeting and my therapist. I will journal later and start working on my amends list. (Hmm… maybe I don’t want to say I’m sorry…)
At any rate, this is why it’s called recovery and not recovered.