The Hiatus is Over

Man, I love avoidance. This must be why my last post in way back in August. But, with any area of my life, I can choose to move on or I can look at my behavior and like Sherlock Holmes see if I can make any connections. So, the detective in me comes out.
What hasn’t changed? I am still sober (every day), going to meetings (although not as many as I would like to), reading my not-so-daily reflections, praying when I have time to sit down and think, calling my sponsor (rarely- I don’t want to “bother” her)and I am still married, with four kids, and work as a teacher. Oh yeah, same house, same car, same dogs.
So what’s different? Nada. Nothing. But then again, everything. My immediate areas in life are unchanged. However, the reality is I am different. And I am totally uncomfortable. This not blowing up and seething in silence, dropping egg shells behind me like Hansel and Gretel is totally foreign.This taking a deep breath and asking myself if the conflict looming is worth it, or if waiting, pausing, praying and proceeding is the way to go. To a “normie” so what? To an alcoholic, I can see the smirk coming across the lips of those who have been here.I am right on the cusp of a growth spurt and I am scared shitless. Some days- as I have been doing for well over a month- it’s nice to just bump along in life and not BE an alcoholic. Yanno- go to the grocery store, pay bills, check out books from the library, go to a pumpkin patch.
But I am an alcoholic. And that will never change. So adjusting to a new me, a new lifestyle is tough business. I know I’ve said this here before but it hurts. Some days, it hurts so much that I would rather wear high heels with a blister rubbed raw on my ankle. Why? Because I can take the shoe off. I know how to deal with a blister; I know how to administer THAT kind of self care. But to heal my hurts, to forgive others, to give to those who have harmed me in one way shape or form- that is hard. I don’t know how. So I find myself saying “I’m sorry” when I am not. I find myself slowly building resentments about people, places, and things that have no consequence on my life.
I can usually tell when I am not working a good, clean, honest program because people who are no longer in my life (for good,healthy reasons) creep back into my mind. Like the girl from 5th grade who didn’t invite me to her birthday party when every other girl in the entire grade was invited.Those feelings of inadequacy take up free rent space in my head. Who cares? and why do I even still remember that?
Hmm. probably because it hurt. If I continue to work a half assed program, I am going to get half assed results. That includes painful memories that baffle me.
SO, I am off to my Wednesday meeting and my therapy appointment. God has me here today for a reason. My job is to plug away and learn why.


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