Um, step aside please, my Ego needs more room….


My Ego is so great. No seriously. I have the greatest Ego. Ever. It is so amazing that I don’t even know it’s in my way of my recovery. Sigh.
My daughter is away at a boarding school so she can be kept safe, away from drugs and alcohol, educated, learn about God and so on. It’s an excellent facility and I am forever thankful that she is there and that there are people in this world who are gifted enough to handle these tough situations. She has been there a little over three months and will remain there for an additional year when she completes the program.
I struggle with so many areas some days and yesterday was no different.
I received a picture of her with a new haircut/color. One of the teachers there took care of fixing the bad dye job she got when I took her on my last day visit with her. It was her birthday, and I was able to be with her for six hours. One of the adventures we had together was getting her hair done. Because we were pressed for time, she did not ask the stylist to dry and/or style it for her. We left with her hair wet so I did not notice the green gleam her hair had.
but I digress…
I was a bit agitated yesterday and couldn’t put my finger on it. One of my co workers talked me through it and it made sense; then I talked with my sponsor who made even more sense out of it.
The picture is a reminder that she is away from me. The picture is a reminder that there are other women in her life who love her and will take care of her. The picture is a reminder that I was not a great mom and that she made poor decisions right under my nose. But most importantly, the picture is a reminder that she is changing, transforming, growing and learning to forgive, respect, and love herself …tasks that as an alcoholic mom I was not able to teach or to model.
The truth is my pride is wounded. I am faced with the reality that life is to be lived on life’s terms. I cannot go back; I cannot change the past. I have to love my own self and accept where I am today. I do not need to get red faced or feel my ears warm up when I know my daughter is doing exactly what I have wanted her to do all along. And she’s doing it without me.
And today, that’s okay.

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6 thoughts on “Um, step aside please, my Ego needs more room….

  1. We parents have a rough go of it, dealing with the realities of our failures. It’s a guilt rich stew, no doubt. Remember that you did the best you could at the time, and you’re doing now what you can to make thing right.

  2. Thanks, Eric. Some days, it’s hard to remember that. One thing that I heard a while back was that just as we are not responsible (wholly ) for our children’s failures nor are we responsible for their successes. It’s all about taking the good with the bad and allowing our kids to live their lives and to be responsible for their actions. It’s so much easier said than done! Thanks again for the comment, Linda

  3. I spend so much time second guessing all of my parenting. I really feel like I suck as a mother. I never really wanted kids, but had them anyway. I am glad I did, but I can’t cut myself any slack over any of their flaws. It is all my fault. Ego.
    That said, I did the best I could with the tools I had.
    My daughter lives with her father, so I know how you feel. It is so hard to see them thrive, and feel we have nothing to do with it.

  4. I feel for you – I only have young boys, and not a teen girl, but I understand where you are coming from. I would be hard pressed to feel a little upset at that feeling of not being around. But I have always said that pride is just up there with ego when it comes to those feelings of being hurt or crushed or whatnot. For me, pride attaches itself to a lot of my fears and how they manifest. What will they think of me? How will I look? Am I being judged? All pride. And I like how you talked this out and saw where pride came to play.

    “that she is changing, transforming, growing and learning to forgive, respect, and love herself …” Do you think this applies to you as well? Sounds like she’s not the only one 🙂

    Blessings,
    Paul

    • I could really reply, Paul, with a simple “yes” and move on. But, I am not really designed for one word answers. LOL. Too often, I allow myself to get caught up in what society tells me I “should” be doing or “should” have done. One of the first analogies I learned when coming to AA was the onion. It made sense at the time, but the practicality of it didn’t sink in. Today, it does. I never really looked at my insecurities as pride barking at me; I wrote them off to low self-esteem. The reality is the more time I exhaust worrying about the external (Who likes me? What do they think? How did that come off sounding? etc, ) the less energy I have to really get to the meat of my problems. It’s like I unknowingly write off what I think about a given situation because it’s what I am comfortable knowing. The little
      t” truth. But when I dig deeper, and simply STOP with the knee jerk reaction, the big “T” Truth emerges. I cannot say I wasn’t told early on that this was easy. But I can say, it is worth it.
      Thanks for the comments. I think I have the first part down, it’s the forgiveness, respect and love I’m struggling with. You’re a good person, Paul.
      Hugs,
      Linda

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