I have to be honest: I have been terrible about getting on here and writing down my thoughts. It’s been pure avoidance, really. It’s been the old tapes playing in the back of my head that tell me taking time out here to collect my thoughts is selfish; I have other things I should be doing: grading papers, grocery shopping, doing laundry, finding baseball socks under the couch. Anything and everything in order to avoid being with me. I avoid myself like a terrible friend.
And yet, it’s comfortable. I make progress and then I sit still for a while. Then, I either move a little forward with a break-through thought, or I back slide into a pity party. Lately, it’s been a combination of both. Life can be confusing when I make it that way. KISS (Keep it simple stupid) applies to those around me. Ha! MY problems are bigger, worse, more complicated. You wouldn’t understand…my damn Ego gets the better of me some days. Why can’t I just say “I’m sorry” and leave it at that? Why can’t I just let myself be when I need to? Why do I revisit old problems like a burial site of a loved one? I know when I am spinning my wheels in a problem but I cannot seem to take my foot off the accelerator. There is a burning part of me that wants to see if I hold it down long enough, will it combust? Can I actually make a situation worse so I can sit in my pain and then be a victim again? In my conscious mind, I am aware but like an addict, I cannot stop myself. I am addicted to bad decisions. I have not come far enough in my recovery to know that I don’t have to treat myself like shit- that I don’t have to be in a crisis mode and that I am allowed peace and serenity. I get these moments, for sure. But I have not done enough work to know how to make them stick for longer than an afternoon.
I need an off switch. I have to figure out how to disconnect without tuning out the whole world in the process.
When I reread what I have written, I sound like a woman in dire need of a talk with her sponsor and a meeting. Thank the good Lord both of those are on my calendar for this evening.
I know God is here for me. I know He will pick me up because I have asked and He has done so for me many, many times. Today, I have a hard time asking, but I know I have to get over that or I fall backwards. Again.