So I have been absent a bit from blogging. I like writing as it makes me clear my head, feel hopeful and somewhat cathartic. So I ask myself why I haven’t kept up with this?
Easy answer: I’m busy.
Truthful answer: I am not taking time out for me like I know I need to. The past three weeks in particular have been terribly tough- tough in the day-to-day stuff, though. Nothing traumatic. I find myself telling myself to be grateful, snap out of it, get over the funk. All things I know better than to do to myself (except the grateful part…that’s a staple).
My schedule has been crazy: back-to-school for three of my four kids- which meant supplies, clothes, calendar upheaval; back-to-school for myself which meant three preps (one totally new and unfamiliar), large class sizes due to budget constraints, an atmosphere of blah among my co-workers who bitch that “summer was toooooo short”, and a general feeling of discord. My second daughter comes home from her program in a week and I am anxious. Her program is her program, but I want success for her. I have to let go, but it’s hard. The volunteer DRE position at my church has been a disaster. I don’t get to control other people. places, and things so when the volunteers don’t turn in the required paperwork, I am short staffed. I have people asking me to edit their work (for free) and I don’t say no. No one seems to care. My head hurts. The train never seems to stop and I feel like I am running all day and getting nowhere. Quite literally, one step forward has indeed resulted in three steps back. I call this the boomerang effect in that when I cross something off of my to-do list, it comes rearing back at me- often with more force and attachments than how I initially set it off.
So, I’ve called my sponsor, gone to meetings, reached out, kept my therapy appointments, took baths, prayed, journaled, read good literature, surrounded myself with supportive people, played outside with my kids. You name it. All the advice and suggestions I give to other people, I tried.
But, I still ended up calling in sick to work yesterday and watched terribly sad movies on Netflicks for the greater part of eight hours. I wept uncontrollably and kept telling myself I needed to get it together. I haven’t been this sad since my drinking days. Then , it was generally attributed to the imbalance of blood sugar. Now, I am not so sure. Nothing seems right, yet nothing is wrong.
This is the face of depression. Yes, I take my medication religiously. No, I have not lost or gained any weight lately that would affect the dosage. Yes, I am getting almost 8 hours of sleep a night.
The urge to cry does not go away. So I pray. Often. I ask God to please take away the demons in my head that want me to fail. I ask Him to please help me find the good in others so I can find some good in myself.I ask Him to hold me, to guide me, to lift me up. Sometimes, though, I think I don’t hear Him anymore. The depression has its grip on me and I cannot seem to shake it.
The people I’ve spoken to have been rather dismissive, so I’ve been keeping to myself. Isolating. The game I play best. And it is a game, and I know better. I am on the proverbial slippery slope and it’s time to quit making excuses and sit my ass in as many meetings as I can. My husband will support me; I have to make the decision to ask for help.
So I plod on not knowing what tomorrow will bring- not really caring actually because I have to stay in today.
I have to take a big breath and get back into life with both feet instead of dangling my feet over the edge acting like I don’t know how to take care of myself because I do know how to, and I need to vacate the crazy place my mind wants to take me to.
Today, I will do the next right thing and I will not drink. I will be gentle on myself and I will commit to believing that this too shall pass.